Marvel Vs Nelvana (and other crossovers, crack and general insanity)
by AlmightyLordPhlebotium
Summary: Witness the stupidest garbage ever devised by your truly's twisted, insane brain. A general collection of the worst crackfics, just to show how screwed up I am. Not meant to be serious.


"I don't get it, kid. What kind of super villains raised you? Evil Care Bears? My Little Evil Pony?"

"Hey! Don't you talk like that about my parents."

"Well, if they raised you to be evil, at least you'd know how the world works. Because now [sniff sniff]..."

"Wait, are you smelling me-"

BOOM! The two were blasted out of their car by an explosion.

"Wounded...ragged wound. Take... too long to heal." Said Wolverine while crawling from the wreckage.

"Like, gross! Eeew!" Molly Hayes was merely bruised, but handled it worse than the man that was stabbed and burned and frozen and shot and bitten before her parents-no, grandparents-were born.

Speaking of Molly's parents...There was an enemy that they shouldn't have made.

"YOU ASSHOLES FUCKING RAN ME OVER WITH YOUR GODDAMN CAR!" Someone was screaming while climbing from under a pile of flaming rubble "DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE GODDAMN PEDESTRIANS YOU SHITFACED..."

The charred figure finished crawling from under the car "...PILE OF CAMEL SPERM!...oh..." he looked up "...shit."

A rough voice from her right woke Molly up, to find herself swinging upside-down. "Finally you're awake, stupid brat!" It said.

"I've had a wonderful dream, Logan. There were these cute caring bears..."

"I didn't say anything, kid." Said Logan from her left.

Molly looked to her right stared in shock at a Care Bear hanging next to her. She spent a few moments staring at the bear, before squealing in joy.

"Oh, yeah, I get it. 'Hey-look! A blue furry dude. Let's make fun of him'. Take a picture, it'll last longer." He stared back at the girl, who furrowed her brow in confusion. "What?"

"Why are you so grumpy, Hank?"

The power armoured guard, who heard Grumpy speak to Wolverine, did a face fault and started laughing.

"What the hell is wrong with you two? His first name is Grumpy, not Hank McCoy!"

"See? Even the guard knows that I'm not Beast." Said Grumpy.

"Grumpy's too skinny to look like Beast. He resembles Nightcrawler!"

"FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Loud footsteps sounded down the corridor. "What's all the commotion?!"

"Hey, boss. Wolverine and the Pride brat confused this bear mutant with Beast from Xavier's academy, and I'm just laughing at these dumbasses-"

BAM! He was knocked out by his boss' armoured fist. The leader walked up to stare at Molly with his pink eyes. "I've got you right where I want you, Molly Hayes. You will pay for your parents' crimes, and so will these two mutants you have as allies!"

"I'm not a mutant, you fat overgrown tub of lard! I'm a magical entity!" Grumpy interrupted. "Lord Wishing Star was summoned by the Necronomicon and..."

The pink-eyed commander backhanded Grumpy without looking, but hit Wolverine instead. "You're a real bucket full of sunshine eh, bub?"

"Oh, great. Stuck to a hairy Canadian, listening to a cross between NoHeart and Dr Doom rant."

"You forgot Magneto, bub."

Grumpy's eyes opened wide and he grinned. "Magnets. That's it!" he whispered "We're wrapped in chains and your skeleton is adamantium, right?"

"What?"

"Shhh. Be quiet and do as I say."

"You guys are more annoying than this freak." Said Molly, earning a slap from the ranting villain.

"My gang and your parents were fighting over the same territory. Nothing personal. It's just that they killed every one of them. EXCEPT ME!" The villain shouted in Molly's face.

"Are you saying my parents were bad people?"

"I'm bad. My army is bad. Your parents...well, they make me look like your cuddly blue fellow prisoner."

"Do not open your claws completely, Logan. Touch the tips to our chain. No questions, just do it!."Grumpy whispered and started chanting and Wolverine felt a tingle of electricity "...Care bear stare care bear stare care bear stare..."

"No. My parents aren't bad people." Molly cried.

"They left me paralyzed, FOR SEVEN YEARS! WITH MY EYES OPEN! For seven years, I couldn't eat, shit, or even move a finger. And after seven years, it just STOPPED!"

"Care bear stare care bear... Wolverine, start swinging... stare care bear stare..."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO BABBLING?!" the swinging pair swung towards the armoured man.

"Now!" shouted Grumpy at the top of his lings "CARE BEAR STARE!"

The armoured commander was stuck to Grumpy and convulsed from the electricity while his soldiers shot at all three. They all fell down and Wolverine charged towards the rest of the soldiers with the chains and smoking, armoured corpse stuck to his body. He flipped on his hands while the rest of the soldiers were stuck to their leader, stuck one hand's claws into the ground and lifted another one into the air.

"Now, Grumpy!"

The second Care Bear Stare hit his claws and electrocuted the entire team.

Sometime later, the three of them were exiting the enemy headquarters.

"I can't believe my parents would do such a thing." Said Molly while pulling off metal objects off Wolverine. "You were right, they were bad people. I can't believe that they tricked me."

"No, whatever I said, I wasn't serious. Even when they did terrible things, they still loved you." said Wolverine, and hugged Molly carefully because metal debris were sticking out of his skin from his brief stint as a Care Bear-powered humanoid electromagnet and later a lightning rod.

"I can believe it, Molly." Said Grumpy "I failed my mission: Wolverine did a better job counselling you about your parents (of whom I was briefed) than I did, I've got ran over by a car, exploded and worst of all, forced to listen to a supervillain cross between Julius Caesar and a Space Marine rant about his backstory."

"Don't say that. If it wasn't for you and Wolverine combining your powers, I'd be killed by a stray bullet." Molly said, kissing the bear on the cheek.

"And as much as I hate being human pincushion," Wolverine said, pulling a few nails, staples, paper clips and bits of wire out of his skin "that bit where you magnetized my skeleton was quick thinking, bub."

"Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about that. This way, we're even. Both of us got under each other's skin. Literally and figuratively. You're still the only person with a personality worse than mine."

"And you're the only one hairier than me. You got a good point there, bub." Grumpy said as all three of them laughed.


End file.
